Over the last few weeks, no months, further back even, to the day of this blog’s inception on a massage table, even earlier perhaps, to the time before this blog’s existence, I’ve been pondering the relationship between me and the rest of the world. I wanted to know what it is that I had inside that someone would want. Is there a message that lives within me that could bring value to another? I didn’t know it then but those QUESTions got me started on the quest to uncover the meaning of my life. And this quest is an ongoing, daily, moment-to-moment journey through a labyrinth that hopefully, if I’m lucky, brave and persistent enough, will bring me to still pond in the center, the mirror of my soul. Or so I hope.
While I still don’t have the ultimate answer of what it is that I am here to give, which will only come though knowing myself on the deepest level and cutting the crap of who I think I am, I believe I’m getting closer to the door at least. There reason it is still the door, an outer shell rather than an open chamber, is because the truth that dwells within me is still shielded. Because even after years of incessant questioning and prodding, I still have not broken down the wall. If I did, I would know it.
But what I do know is that there is something in me that’s askew, like a line that’s bent, a column about to crumble. And I don’t know what that is. Maybe, just maybe, it is better to let it just crumble and fall? Maybe I need a proper breakdown and stop using bandages on a shabby house, clear a slate and build a palace?
How did I end up here? Maybe it took me getting to the point where I cannot find anyone or anything to blame for my lost predicament? Maybe I’m finally growing up, entering a new phase, much like the world seems to be, a right of passage, a mythical moment of reckoning that eventually catches up with us all? Maybe it is happening now because I’m finally ready, over the years having grown a skin thick enough to withstand the shock of the truth that awaits me on the other side? Maybe I have exhausted all the bullshit, the lies I’ve been telling myself. Or maybe I am simply exhausted. Whatever it is, I am ready to shed the masks, and get vulnerable so that may truly able to give of myself for the sheer joy of giving.
To be continued…