I had a weak moment last night – my horoscope even confirmed it was going to be emotional; I be damned, even the stars knew it! – and it’s the kind of emotional that pisses my mom off. I was low on myself. I just arrived in Santorini and was in my room after paying a fortune for a bag of fruit to have for dinner. It was my own fault though, as I bought them at a restaurant instead of the market, which was already closed by the time I went out. Anyways, I settled in, hung a few dresses that looked like they were taken out of dog’s throat, a Polish saying; in other words, they were super mangled and unfit to wear, as of yet. Aware of the blues lurking in the dark corners of my psyche threatening to unleash a storm of sobs for no apparent reason, I fought the feeling with all my might, mostly by ignoring it.
Standing under a hot shower moments later, and flooding my bathroom floor in the process, I thought that I really have two choices to transform this inner state – either to choose to focus on all the good things that are happening and fake the joy until I it takes me over, or really deep dive and figure out why I feel so sad even though I was in fact in the midst of living my dream. Thinking about it some more, couldn’t help it really, I saw that there might be another angle to all this, something I decided on a whim to call the Body Blues.
What’s Happening to Me?
To shed better light on the contemplation, I feel called to paraphrase doctor Christiane Northrup. In one of her doorstopper books she writes that women’s bodies are always looked at as work in progress, while men use their bodies to master their environment. Right. Now, how does it relate to the state of my being last night? I believe that spending the entire day on the plane and in airports took a toll on me. My body used to lots of moment and fresh foods has been forced to subsist on bread and dairy, making me feel heavy and sluggish and produce the type of chemicals that make me feel more like blah than wow, in the process altering my body image. So this morning, I took matters in my own hands and whipped up another workout that indeed, not only made me feel better but made the entire Greek reality shine with the brilliance I came to find here. And this time, I admit, it was also of my own making¾read: attitude is everything. Still, thing chemistry thing was quite enlightening!
Back to my mom and rewind to two nights ago and our last night in Barcelona together, I asked her for my best & worst qualities she saw in me. For the former it was easy for her to admit the hard working me, the ambitious one, the one always improving – duh, the name and slogan of this blog says it all… What I was really interested in were the negatives, well so that I could improve them, I guess (and that’s where the circle closes on itself… Funny, this self-discovery thing.) She said that it pissed her off that I did not realize my value and chose to act out of insecurity at times rather than firm confidence. I said to her it was an “ego” thing and that I didn’t want to keep my head high to devalue others. She said bull, adding that knowing who I was did not have to be an assertive or competitive quality or deter others from feeling good about themselves. I said “Duh!’ to myself again, of course I knew that but it was one thing to know and another to live from that place.
So I want to end this post with the vow that I shall remember from this point on who I am and live from a place of value rather than inadequacy. It is not cool to do that to myself or the world – to think I’m somehow not enough or else, even if it is a driver that fuels the fires of my ambition. And I invite you to do yourself and me a favor and acknowledge how special and unique you are right now. Yep, it’s an order!
Hope you enjoyed my thoughts, as mangled tonight as my clothes. No final conclusion here; the discussion shall continue, as I think it’s an important one (please be brave and comment, if you feel inclined). In the meantime, let’s remind ourselves and each other to celebrate our bodies and entire lives, as life is indeed a short adventure that is self-made. I, in the meantime, shall dash out the door to have a taste of the Santorini nightlife and report about it later. Maybe. Love this place.
But before I run off, few more words of wisdom, in case you need a kick:
“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” -Steve Furtick