I am pissed. Sorry but I have to get it off my chest. My reason? Pain. And subsequent crappy sleep. I just don’t know what else I can do to better prepare, how much harder I am supposed to work on trying to get my life organized so that it can run smoothly for awhile and I can just sleep soundly through the night. Last night, I went to yoga, had a light dinner that consisted mostly of papaya and I was in bed by 10 pm… Still, crappy sleep. And all this back and neck pain, eye strain and emotional pain, or too much thinking pain, all this is just starting to get on my nerves, surely further exacerbating the problem. Will I ever get a break that will actually last?
I work hard, work out hard, eat well, cleanse, nurture my relationships and creativity, journal, love, dream… what else am I not doing? Why does it have to be so hard? Why am I constantly pushed to the edge? Is it to humble me somehow? Because I think there are much better ways than through inciting chronic exhaustion. I just so often feel like I have to swim up against the current. And it sucks. And then, additionally, I never get enough time to get everything done to get to that next level. I am simply tired of always being so darn tired!
All I want is to get a good night’s sleep, wake up inspired, refreshed, healthy and toned (from all the hard work the night before), complete my essential tasks for the day, and then tend to my dreams. I want to reach out to new people and old friends more, go beyond the to-do list, design a class, teach a class, donate my time, help somebody… But instead, I feel like all I am able to accomplish each day is to move a mere inch forward, if at all. I need more time and energy so that I can get out of this race. Or am I getting it all wrong? Is it actually the other way around? Am I supposed to slow down first? But how then will I be able to get everything done?
I feel like I am operating most of the time at my maximum capacity. And please don’t get me wrong – I like maximizing my potential. I would just like to see some steady results and not get so worked up about everything that I end up shooting myself in the foot and not getting my sleep, for instance. Or is this path this hard on purpose because it is all a test? Is this constant onslaught of obstacles supposed to test our resolve, determination and endurance, to somehow prepare us for what lies beyond? All I know is that this can be a pretty lonely and arduous road that takes a ton of faith to motivate continuing on. And how do we even know that we are on the right path? Or are we always by default? Is it possible to jump from one path onto another like a quark? Or are we always trekking the same road even though it might seem different because of our shifting frame of mind?
Some say that you are on the right path when you follow your heart, your bliss. But why then does it hurt so much so often? Is it just me or are these moments of bliss too often too fleeting, merely interspersing a reality of hardship and pain? Some say that it is all about our attitude. I say that the design seems flawed. Just days ago I was riding on waves of unspeakable joy, coloring my gray shadows purple. I wanted it to last, I prayed, I watched, studied the subtlest shifts in my mind. And a couple of days later, my bliss had dissipated. Why?
How much control do we really have over our lives? What is our true purpose here on this planet? Seems like a pretty merciless process, if you ask me. We are born helpless, struggle through suicidal teens and confusing twenties only to realize our impending mortality as we begin to figure things out in our thirties. After that, it is a downhill ride for the most part; body starts to break down, bigger challenges loom, vast responsibilities take over our remaining vestiges of time. Additionally, whenever we are moved to give ourselves some due loving attention, we are accused of being selfish by those who claim to love us. Then, maybe we are able to catch another whiff of happiness in our post-retirement years when we are finally able to go on that trip to Venice. I know that this is a rather dark side of the picture, but I just needed to flush it out. Tough life. But is there hope? Can such a tragic ending be averted? Is today’s struggle & swimming against the current worth it?
I’d say that it is the only thing worth living for, aside from love, though the two are often intimately related. It is a worthy goal to work towards easing suffering, this pain that seems to lurk like a thief behind every corner. Otherwise, living would resemble plunging into an abyss with eyes closed, head first. Or watching a train approach head on and refusing to move off the tracks. I just can’t succumb. I choose to fight. It is a very personal and internal fight, predictability versus my dreams, even if for a small taste, a short moment.
There is a great proverb in Japan, I think, that the secret is to fall seven times and get back eight. So here I am, listening to my own advice, and I dare to begin anew. Again. Because for me, you see, there is no other choice.